I am an expert at being invisible, and hiding what I'm really thinking/feeling; I'm also pretty good at making myself unobtrusive and uninteresting, so I have this medium in which to scream and cry and hurt, without anyone necessarily caring or stopping by just to stare at my inner car accident, in which bodies have been crushed and smashed into something that vaguely resembles human shapes...
I cried this morning; not just because someone ditched me, but because I suspect the reasons behind it aren't just the reasons given, but, because the other person has not, will not, ever like me, and I don't actually mean affectionately, as one likes a person they someday hope to fuck, I just mean, as a person. And I didn't cry for them not liking me, I cried because I wanted this person to like me. Why should I care at all? Aren't most people able to just shrug that sort of thing off and move on to their next social victim? I cried because I'm sorry for not only being trapped in this stupid apartment one more night because I have committed the unforgivable sin of being unattractive, but because I'm not thick-skinned enough to just not fucking care.
I miss my friends in Florida so much; I wish Sire was here, and Jessica, and Kristen, and Dan, even though he'll probably be angry with me at some point this week.
A friend of his showed vague interest in me a couple days ago, and I killed it by mentioning that I dated (yeah... right, sort of?) his friend Sam, who dumped me for bread, and said that Dan and Sam both agree that I'm basically insane because I was trying to be more healthy (lost 50 pounds, actually), by not eating carbs. I didn't bother telling Dan how much that hurt, because I was trying to make it seem like I didn't care, but you know, he's seen more emotional craziness from me than he deserves to, so I figured it was kinder to just be flippant.
He's dating/with someone new anyway, so it would be unfair of me to confide in him for any reason, and as we grow further apart in opinion, and heart, I am unable to just sit back and accept his departure silently. I can appear to be doing this fairly easily, but inside, and in private, it is painful. More painful than being discarded for dietary choices, maybe as painful as having two people whom you love and trust jokingly agree that you're crazy, even though you're desperately struggling to be healthy and even succeeding.... not as painful as failing because after they said that, I gave up, and gained all the weight back.
It wasn't a great holiday, my family makes me uncomfortable.
I dreamed last night that I fell in love with this youngish, facially scarred black guy, who didn't know, of course, that I was in love with him. He stabbed this girl, someone universally acknowledged (by the general college populace in my dream) to be a cunt, and I was the only witness. He suspected I saw it, and became amorous towards me afterwards. I was unable to reconcile whether or not I ought to report him; on one hand, he was being affectionate (I really only receive this sort of stuff in my dreams these days), but on the other, it was pretense to keep me from ratting him out. On one hand, I loved him, on the other, he had just killed someone, and additionally, could he kill me as well, given that he was only pretending to care for me?
I woke myself up because it was a miserable situation with no solution that I actually wanted to experience.
I'm going back to sleep, and now that I've had my day effectively ruined by the forces of the universe which apparently prefer that I stay miserable and alone, maybe I'll get the dream back, because at this point, whatever the solution to the dream, it's preferable to sitting here, feeling like the most disgusting, worthless, and unappealing person on the planet.
