I got my kiss goodbye in a dream today, from one of my life's best loves.
I think I might have gotten to old to have another great love, but there are those whom I do love dearly, and at this time, I do actually feel as though I can give myself freely to them without looking back and hoping that those arms are still encircling me, holding me...
He was the first man to ever wash my hair, and the first man I ever knew who could make me love him more by hurting me...
and for that I am grateful, for I never would have known the sting of the whip, the comfort of deviancy, and the home that I built for myself in a place I had already inside me, in pain; perfect, innocent pain that was given out of love.
When I got home today I was tired, and this man is marrying someone else, and I was bitter. But I fell asleep, and my mind gave me what I needed to go on and let him go, and finally stop burning the candle lit for him for the last seven years.
He held me, he kissed me on the mouth, and it was soft and sad, and the single best dream I have had in months of stress and anxiety; worrying about things and just like that, everything is beautiful again, and I know it wasn't actually him that set me free...
I did it for myself. I held myself, I kissed myself -for- myself, and whispered words that I needed to hear, cradled in sleep, while snow melted outside and it was beautiful, and perfect. I felt his hold on my heart pass away from me in an altogether new way that wasn't forced, and it was almost physical, how he left. I can still feel his mouth on mine, and his chest against my back, the way you feel the imprint of someone who just left, and you know you'll never see them again.
For the last few years, I do this hypnotherapy thing before bed, because I have insomnia, and right before I fall completely asleep, the last thing I hear is the therapist telling me to picture a perfect place to sleep, where I feel safe, and quiet; I have always pictured myself asleep with Sire.
Generally, sleeping in the day, I sleep without the hypnotherapy, and I dream rarely. No more dreams of Master, no more crying over contracts, no more hope; only light, excitement, adventure, and a change in scenery that will bring me a little closer to the only person in the world who loves me the way I want to be loved, --who has promised to have great adventures with me, celebrate my accomplishments, and maybe someday, he'll even hold my hand.
It was a good dream, and it was the best kiss goodbye.
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