"...In the Bleak December..."

The very last night of December; can I crank this out before the night ends?

Things have been slow around my corner of the Internet lately.

I'm leaving Florida again soon and I will miss it, --seems like every time I get settled, I have to leave. 2013 was a disappointment. One year closer to 30, one year closer to death, millions of opportunities missed, and so on. I don't really remember anything significant.

I am tired of life tonight.

I want Sire tonight, and movies, --maybe Thirst, and I might write something for him. Cigarettes, wine, book, romantic, vulgar fiction with blood, romance and death.

Very blue, pick me up Louis, and take me down to the infirmary...

And then... you know, this too...

From childhood's hour I have not been As others were -- ...

Tonight it is Sail by Awolnation, and a specific poem (not the one below) to soothe my eyes and my nerves and this black hole that grows just behind my eyelashes and twists me into shapes I'd rather not see.

Maybe you've noticed the running theme in my titles, and maybe not...

Anyway. For Sire, my Ideal Reader and best absent lover.

Not Exactly A Vampire But Certainly Not Human

My wrists are bound above my head, and I am wrapped in pain and I am still somehow,
Simultaneously,
Burning and beautiful and dancing and crying and screaming into the flowers and glass
That make up my bright wishes and deep love for everything that sings silently to me when I sleep.

I am happiest when I am in pain, and at my most lonely when there is no one to punish me
For my crimes.
I dream of forced lovemaking in the water; pinned down in a pool in the dark and drowned;
Fucked and flooded with the salt of semen, ocean, and tears.

There are hands in my hair and wicked whispers that promise me everything I want
And will never have.
The stars here are so bright and sometimes I wish they would all fall down on my head
I wish they would drop into my hair, make blood run into my eyes.

I can go anywhere and I choose responsibility and escape; Gods! how I will miss
The ocean!
The sand, the tide, the perversity of her promise to kill me in a thousand ways and
Kiss me with her mouth that swallows everything and spews it back up on the beach.

Music and poetry and flowers and candles and curls and ribbon and unspoken secrets;
Follow me.
They can and do and I am not perfect, I am only beautiful to myself sometimes but I will
Never tell you when, and I will never tell anyone else either. I lie and hide and cheat myself.

Inside me where no one can touch me or hear me or see me I dream in the dark places that I
Keep quite silent.
Thrumming bass; treble-- orgasm drop; I can feel it in me like a promise made physical and cruel.
It is good; it is perfect. Love is pain, and the best pain comes with a soundtrack that screams.

...That Colder, Lowly Light

If you're curious, dearest....

I have been made to suffer for everything I have ever done by being arranged to exist in the universe once again, at the mercy of others. I am indebted to all, and so am imprisoned. Obligations are suffocating me, and all I want to do is run away from everything, find a dark hole and die in it.

Oh love, I have waxed suicidal before, and deepest melodrama you've heard a hundred times. But this is the first time in so long that I have had so few reasons not to... I lost everything that made me free, and enslaved myself to the kindness of my friends, and this kingdom is a dark place with high walls, little light, and it smells an awful lot like prison.

I thought things would be different here, and I was wrong. I was wrong before I even came here, and I knew it, and so did everyone else, which increases the depth and magnitude of my shame exponentially. I have lost everything so many times... I don't want to rebuild anymore, why should I have to?

No one else does. My friends were scooped up by men and taken away, and provided for, --why am I left out? Oh, that's right. I'm unmanageable and impossible and mean and sarcastic and god, what else is on the docket? OH! I eat a low-carb diet, and told my last "real" male companion that I didn't want to keep bread in the house.

Well, guess what, you fucking son of a bitch.

Now I have diabetes and still can't eat too many carbs, so not having bread, is no longer a choice, or a health option, it is a life necessity. Oh, and let's not forget, the cunting motherfucker who set us up, my great big love gone dead and fucked a long time ago, agreed, and said that I was crazy, and he also would have dumped me.

He's getting married now. I'm still divorced, and fucked by life, and dead on arrival, better off aborted, --and that's another funny story. My best love, is getting married and I just get to sit here and be miserable living off friends. And you all get to watch. I hope it's entertaining. I'd sell popcorn, but the point of the is not to make money, because it would be productive, and the Universe just cannot allow that. I cannot allow myself to just be okay, I have to fuck myself over repeatedly.

All the people, Kristen, Jeremy, my gramma, and everyone who said I should stay the hell away from Florida was right, but god damn you, I go to see the ocean and it was beautiful and fuck you twice for not believing in me when I needed it so much. Fuck you once more for being right. I have to be grateful and bow down before the friends who help me, and I'll never be able to pay them back, and you know what, despite what you see in the movies, THAT IS NOT A GOOD FEELING!

I wish I had died, I wish I had died, I wish I had died. I wish the doctor never called, I wish my potassium had never been fucking forced to come back up, I wish I had just puked and pissed, and drank and drowned in gatorade and juice and water and I wish that had been the end. The end, the end, because this is the worst place I have ever been, ever, and no one can save me, and the worst part of it is that even if someone could, they wouldn't, no one will, it won't fucking happen, and I won't save myself, because I hate myself more than any of you ever could.

I'm not pretty enough or young enough to sell myself to some guy from AOL anymore either, which is what I did the last time my entire life turned to shit. But if you know anyone who wants a fat ugly diabetic slave, you let me know, because to want me for anything other than pointing and laughing at, is to surely be scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Ev.--

For my IR, like all the rest.

Ev.--

I swam up from underneath as soon as I knew what you were and I ate you
and still you evolved, but I suppose I did too.
I was first and last; I was one who would not be ruled,
And purged from the soil, though I returned wise, and smooth, and I
Whispered to myself about how sometimes...
I was the tree, I was the sweetest and most bitter of bitten truth,
And you took it from my hand and you were purged and cast out with me,
...there was secret joy in my heart because now only I possessed you.

Myself is everywhere; I kiss my children goodnight, and cook your dinner
While you fuck your secretary, and random girls who rub your cock on subways.
I crack and bleed inside sometimes, and find myself holding
A child or three or four under the water in the bath. That is myself also.
Myself sometimes has grown old, and sits alone in bed, while hickory women,
Also darker versions of myself, alternate between hitting me with pink palms;
Their dark hands wipe the shit from my thighs, and clean the bedsores that grow
...they push outward from the heart of me; I was left here, and am nothing now.

I have been in love before, I would not have anyone believe myself heartless
But I am a jealous lover, I have always been. I am in the heart of myself,
...everywhere, but never in You, no, never. Because love is nothing to you,
And always so disposable, is it not? What is my love against hers, or that one there--
The one with big red eyes, and dark green hair? She is myself, myself, myself, as well!
And I will eat you, all of you, I love you, I hate you, and I'm dragging you with me
...back to Hell.

Take this Kiss, Parting from You Now

I got my kiss goodbye in a dream today, from one of my life's best loves.

I think I might have gotten to old to have another great love, but there are those whom I do love dearly, and at this time, I do actually feel as though I can give myself freely to them without looking back and hoping that those arms are still encircling me, holding me...

He was the first man to ever wash my hair, and the first man I ever knew who could make me love him more by hurting me...

and for that I am grateful, for I never would have known the sting of the whip, the comfort of deviancy, and the home that I built for myself in a place I had already inside me, in pain; perfect, innocent pain that was given out of love.

When I got home today I was tired, and this man is marrying someone else, and I was bitter. But I fell asleep, and my mind gave me what I needed to go on and let him go, and finally stop burning the candle lit for him for the last seven years.

He held me, he kissed me on the mouth, and it was soft and sad, and the single best dream I have had in months of stress and anxiety; worrying about things and just like that, everything is beautiful again, and I know it wasn't actually him that set me free...

I did it for myself. I held myself, I kissed myself -for- myself, and whispered words that I needed to hear, cradled in sleep, while snow melted outside and it was beautiful, and perfect. I felt his hold on my heart pass away from me in an altogether new way that wasn't forced, and it was almost physical, how he left. I can still feel his mouth on mine, and his chest against my back, the way you feel the imprint of someone who just left, and you know you'll never see them again.

For the last few years, I do this hypnotherapy thing before bed, because I have insomnia, and right before I fall completely asleep, the last thing I hear is the therapist telling me to picture a perfect place to sleep, where I feel safe, and quiet; I have always pictured myself asleep with Sire.

Generally, sleeping in the day, I sleep without the hypnotherapy, and I dream rarely. No more dreams of Master, no more crying over contracts, no more hope; only light, excitement, adventure, and a change in scenery that will bring me a little closer to the only person in the world who loves me the way I want to be loved, --who has promised to have great adventures with me, celebrate my accomplishments, and maybe someday, he'll even hold my hand.

It was a good dream, and it was the best kiss goodbye.

For the Pro-Lifers

I was so impressed with my ridiculously long Facebook rant tonight, I had to post it twice, --and I think it would make a good framework for my thesis.


Funny thing, historical parallels, --like, for example how, right around the time the German imperialist politics were flourishing, Charles Darwin and Rudyard Kipling popularized eugenics, --the Germans (and the British) were focusing on breeding. Believe it or not, birth control is not as new as the Pro-Life fuckers want you to think, --abortion and birth control is NOT a sign of our times. Religious women have, for centuries, had abortions, practiced various forms of both safe, and extremely unsafe birth control methods. And back then, you were either Catholic or Protestant, and not much of the scripture was up for debate. 

The focus on breeding and birth control shifted heavily during pre-WWI when white people on a global scale were demonstrating their race superiority. Kipling suggested sending "the best ye breed" to continue colonizing global territory. Doctors and priests and all kind of people who had vague political and military ties were focused on convincing women to choose selectively and produce as many healthy children as possible. The big parallel here is that during pre-WWI eugenics focus, the Germans came up with the "three K's" --Kinder, Kuche, and Kirch... (children, kitchen, church) --the female domain. Propaganda apparently made it overseas, because right about the same time, a rather coincidentally titled organization came into existence. Pro-life is bullshit, created during imperialist geopolitical takeover over a century ago, enforced by fucking Nazis, and perpetuated today by deranged, uninformed Bible thumpers.

The idea that Pro-life politics were based on some deep-seated Christian need to protect fetuses and the right for unformed and undeveloped, non-cognitive life to survive inside women who don't want to give birth, is not Christian, and it is not scientific, and it was not established as sympathetic to children either, because they were a dime a dozen in that 19th century. It was established to make more white people, and send them all over the planet, to strip land from natives and locals. Sad but true. The two men mostly responsible for the pro-life bullshit we're familiar with today, Darwin and Kipling, men who thought all this up, postulating scientist assholes.... guess what? They were both fucking Atheists... Pro-life = Pro-stupid.