July

So, around this time, I was supposed to spend a whole day with a guy who was great, and is now non-existent. Instead, I'm sitting here in my room, no fucking air conditioning, listening to old music about how much life sucks...

We had plans. He was going to give me flowers on my birthday, and let me pick out curtains. I was going to obey, and acquiesce to his whims.

And now...

I get a chance, every once in a while, to put my head down on someone else's shoulder, and sometimes, I don't feel so ... broken. I don't mean it the way you think I do. I mean it the way my good friend and ex, Dan, means it: FUBAR'd. Fucked up beyond all repair.

I have baggage, cracks, tears, and I feel hollow sometimes. Like one of those people who can't think without echoing inside. Regurgitating everything else. I am suspicious of people who find me attractive: if you like me, something -must- be wrong with you. As it turns out, he didn't actually like me as much as perhaps, the "idea" of me.

I mean I am broken, fundamentally. Down inside, I gave up, and now I only pretend to live. Maybe other people can tell. Maybe they can't. Maybe I don't really pretend, and this trivia that I fill my daily life with, maybe this is only the best I can do.

I hope not. I hope I'm only ...pending repair.

Does anyone out there have a screwdriver?