Ev.--

For my IR, like all the rest.

Ev.--

I swam up from underneath as soon as I knew what you were and I ate you
and still you evolved, but I suppose I did too.
I was first and last; I was one who would not be ruled,
And purged from the soil, though I returned wise, and smooth, and I
Whispered to myself about how sometimes...
I was the tree, I was the sweetest and most bitter of bitten truth,
And you took it from my hand and you were purged and cast out with me,
...there was secret joy in my heart because now only I possessed you.

Myself is everywhere; I kiss my children goodnight, and cook your dinner
While you fuck your secretary, and random girls who rub your cock on subways.
I crack and bleed inside sometimes, and find myself holding
A child or three or four under the water in the bath. That is myself also.
Myself sometimes has grown old, and sits alone in bed, while hickory women,
Also darker versions of myself, alternate between hitting me with pink palms;
Their dark hands wipe the shit from my thighs, and clean the bedsores that grow
...they push outward from the heart of me; I was left here, and am nothing now.

I have been in love before, I would not have anyone believe myself heartless
But I am a jealous lover, I have always been. I am in the heart of myself,
...everywhere, but never in You, no, never. Because love is nothing to you,
And always so disposable, is it not? What is my love against hers, or that one there--
The one with big red eyes, and dark green hair? She is myself, myself, myself, as well!
And I will eat you, all of you, I love you, I hate you, and I'm dragging you with me
...back to Hell.

Take this Kiss, Parting from You Now

I got my kiss goodbye in a dream today, from one of my life's best loves.

I think I might have gotten to old to have another great love, but there are those whom I do love dearly, and at this time, I do actually feel as though I can give myself freely to them without looking back and hoping that those arms are still encircling me, holding me...

He was the first man to ever wash my hair, and the first man I ever knew who could make me love him more by hurting me...

and for that I am grateful, for I never would have known the sting of the whip, the comfort of deviancy, and the home that I built for myself in a place I had already inside me, in pain; perfect, innocent pain that was given out of love.

When I got home today I was tired, and this man is marrying someone else, and I was bitter. But I fell asleep, and my mind gave me what I needed to go on and let him go, and finally stop burning the candle lit for him for the last seven years.

He held me, he kissed me on the mouth, and it was soft and sad, and the single best dream I have had in months of stress and anxiety; worrying about things and just like that, everything is beautiful again, and I know it wasn't actually him that set me free...

I did it for myself. I held myself, I kissed myself -for- myself, and whispered words that I needed to hear, cradled in sleep, while snow melted outside and it was beautiful, and perfect. I felt his hold on my heart pass away from me in an altogether new way that wasn't forced, and it was almost physical, how he left. I can still feel his mouth on mine, and his chest against my back, the way you feel the imprint of someone who just left, and you know you'll never see them again.

For the last few years, I do this hypnotherapy thing before bed, because I have insomnia, and right before I fall completely asleep, the last thing I hear is the therapist telling me to picture a perfect place to sleep, where I feel safe, and quiet; I have always pictured myself asleep with Sire.

Generally, sleeping in the day, I sleep without the hypnotherapy, and I dream rarely. No more dreams of Master, no more crying over contracts, no more hope; only light, excitement, adventure, and a change in scenery that will bring me a little closer to the only person in the world who loves me the way I want to be loved, --who has promised to have great adventures with me, celebrate my accomplishments, and maybe someday, he'll even hold my hand.

It was a good dream, and it was the best kiss goodbye.

For the Pro-Lifers

I was so impressed with my ridiculously long Facebook rant tonight, I had to post it twice, --and I think it would make a good framework for my thesis.


Funny thing, historical parallels, --like, for example how, right around the time the German imperialist politics were flourishing, Charles Darwin and Rudyard Kipling popularized eugenics, --the Germans (and the British) were focusing on breeding. Believe it or not, birth control is not as new as the Pro-Life fuckers want you to think, --abortion and birth control is NOT a sign of our times. Religious women have, for centuries, had abortions, practiced various forms of both safe, and extremely unsafe birth control methods. And back then, you were either Catholic or Protestant, and not much of the scripture was up for debate. 

The focus on breeding and birth control shifted heavily during pre-WWI when white people on a global scale were demonstrating their race superiority. Kipling suggested sending "the best ye breed" to continue colonizing global territory. Doctors and priests and all kind of people who had vague political and military ties were focused on convincing women to choose selectively and produce as many healthy children as possible. The big parallel here is that during pre-WWI eugenics focus, the Germans came up with the "three K's" --Kinder, Kuche, and Kirch... (children, kitchen, church) --the female domain. Propaganda apparently made it overseas, because right about the same time, a rather coincidentally titled organization came into existence. Pro-life is bullshit, created during imperialist geopolitical takeover over a century ago, enforced by fucking Nazis, and perpetuated today by deranged, uninformed Bible thumpers.

The idea that Pro-life politics were based on some deep-seated Christian need to protect fetuses and the right for unformed and undeveloped, non-cognitive life to survive inside women who don't want to give birth, is not Christian, and it is not scientific, and it was not established as sympathetic to children either, because they were a dime a dozen in that 19th century. It was established to make more white people, and send them all over the planet, to strip land from natives and locals. Sad but true. The two men mostly responsible for the pro-life bullshit we're familiar with today, Darwin and Kipling, men who thought all this up, postulating scientist assholes.... guess what? They were both fucking Atheists... Pro-life = Pro-stupid.

Distracted

I stayed up talking to Sire till 4 am last, which is glorious, --if a bit distracting. That's okay, because it's nice; he has the kind of personality you can curl up in and feel safe. I'm working on his Christmas poem every time I get a free minute, in my brain.

I won't tell what it's going to be about, but it will be terrific... I know it.

Anyway, I'm going to see TSO today with my gramma and grampa, and I'm super excited; and soon, I'll be going for adventures with my best man in Florida.

For Sire, my single best distraction:

12 Days of...A List of Shit I Want for Christmas

These are things that are actually on my Amazon wishlist, --and since I know how much all my readers love me, I expect to see this shit arriving on my doorstep (...in front of my apartment door) for weeks to come. I'm going to do 12 per day.

Today's items of awesomeness are:

1. The "Exquisite Headdress" with Peacock Feathers --Because it's fucking amazing and I have gorgeous hair, --you've probably seen it. And this would look beautiful in my gorgeous hair, as I wander down the aisles in Wal-Mart, buying generic cereal and attempting to find a new pair of flats.

2. The Kitty Hideaway Cave -- My cat is a Sphynx named Totoro; he was half-named by my grampa, and half-named by one of my favorite Miyazaki movies "My Neighbor Totoro." Screw you if you don't like cartoons or hairless cats. He's beautiful, and deserves -all- the toys he can get. 

3. The Armarkat 57" Faux Fleece Cat Climbing Tower Tree -- I think I've said all I need to about why my cat deserves nice things. -folds arms, glares-

4. Ranger Alumaguard Live Bait Net with 24" Handle -- This is what I need to properly catch crawdads. Don't judge me, they're good eating. 

5. Corral Women's Turquoise Cortez/Cream Fleur de Lis Boots -- I got a really pretty pair of pink Durangos from the Shado-Daddy, Stan the Man, --the best piercing artist you'll find in Missouri, and any of the states surrounding, over at TRX Tattoos in St. Louis. Now I want a pair to put next to those gorgeous babies, and these are the only ones that are pretty enough to be equal, --and they can handle gravel and mud.

6. The Art of Alice: Madness Returns -- I wants it for pretty simple reasons, --I can get all the books I want on my Kindle, and I want this one for the pretty pictures.

7. Alice: Madness Returns -- To go with the book, and because I really wanna play this game. Yes. Give it to me nooooooow. 

8. Vampire the Masquerade: Redemption -- I want to play this all the way through, and am pissed off that all I've done is play bits here and there. 

9. Cinderella Petticoat -- It's sooooooo pretty. And I have lots of long skirts to put this underneath. Unfortunately, I do not have those shoes, but my tits are bigger than hers, so I win. 

10. Oversized Wide Neck Tee -- For sexy jammies, --thongs are overrated, and covered in germs. Gimme a big sexy t-shirt any day. 

11. Mako Bait Casting Net -- For crabbing off the pier and canal docks at night, snagging needle fish for bait, and whatever else I can get.

12. RedHead Caliber Waterproof Hiker for Ladies -- The pic shows the man-boots, --the girls' are a bit softer gray, and have red soles. I like these, --they're durable, and they'll keep your feet dry. Good for fishing and camping and hiking. Which I'll get to do at some point, between work and school, I'm sure.

Oh. Okay.

I am an expert at being invisible, and hiding what I'm really thinking/feeling; I'm also pretty good at making myself unobtrusive and uninteresting, so I have this medium in which to scream and cry and hurt, without anyone necessarily caring or stopping by just to stare at my inner car accident, in which bodies have been crushed and smashed into something that vaguely resembles human shapes...

I cried this morning; not just because someone ditched me, but because I suspect the reasons behind it aren't just the reasons given, but, because the other person has not, will not, ever like me, and I don't actually mean affectionately, as one likes a person they someday hope to fuck, I just mean, as a person. And I didn't cry for them not liking me, I cried because I wanted this person to like me. Why should I care at all? Aren't most people able to just shrug that sort of thing off and move on to their next social victim? I cried because I'm sorry for not only being trapped in this stupid apartment one more night because I have committed the unforgivable sin of being unattractive, but because I'm not thick-skinned enough to just not fucking care.

I miss my friends in Florida so much; I wish Sire was here, and Jessica, and Kristen, and Dan, even though he'll probably be angry with me at some point this week.

A friend of his showed vague interest in me a couple days ago, and I killed it by mentioning that I dated (yeah... right, sort of?) his friend Sam, who dumped me for bread, and said that Dan and Sam both agree that I'm basically insane because I was trying to be more healthy (lost 50 pounds, actually), by not eating carbs. I didn't bother telling Dan how much that hurt, because I was trying to make it seem like I didn't care, but you know, he's seen more emotional craziness from me than he deserves to, so I figured it was kinder to just be flippant.

He's dating/with someone new anyway, so it would be unfair of me to confide in him for any reason, and as we grow further apart in opinion, and heart, I am unable to just sit back and accept his departure silently. I can appear to be doing this fairly easily, but inside, and in private, it is painful. More painful than being discarded for dietary choices, maybe as painful as having two people whom you love and trust jokingly agree that you're crazy, even though you're desperately struggling to be healthy and even succeeding.... not as painful as failing because after they said that, I gave up, and gained all the weight back.

It wasn't a great holiday, my family makes me uncomfortable.

I dreamed last night that I fell in love with this youngish, facially scarred black guy, who didn't know, of course, that I was in love with him. He stabbed this girl, someone universally acknowledged (by the general college populace in my dream) to be a cunt, and I was the only witness. He suspected I saw it, and became amorous towards me afterwards. I was unable to reconcile whether or not I ought to report him; on one hand, he was being affectionate (I really only receive this sort of stuff in my dreams these days), but on the other, it was pretense to keep me from ratting him out. On one hand, I loved him, on the other, he had just killed someone, and additionally, could he kill me as well, given that he was only pretending to care for me?

I woke myself up because it was a miserable situation with no solution that I actually wanted to experience.

I'm going back to sleep, and now that I've had my day effectively ruined by the forces of the universe which apparently prefer that I stay miserable and alone, maybe I'll get the dream back, because at this point, whatever the solution to the dream, it's preferable to sitting here, feeling like the most disgusting, worthless, and unappealing person on the planet.