Disinteresting... Part 2

This is my evening; my morning and afternoon were pretty decent. And then... I started -thinking-. Ugh. Always. "...and I hope the junk yard a few blocks from here, someday burns down, and I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and I never come back to this town again.... in my life." This was me and my ex-husband's song.

I still feel like this, bleh. Still feel like... just unappealing. No one is interested in doing anything I want to do ever. I know, pout, waah, boohoo, poor Slave, always crying about how no one pays any attention to her.

That's not really how it is, people do pay attention to me. I just wish, that like... someone would ask me once a week... no, not even, --once a month, "What would -you- like to do?"

Seriously. "******, what do you want to do?" Or like, "Would you like to do something? Go somewhere, see a movie, etc., etc.," can someone please, just for like.. I dunno, five minutes or so, -pretend-, I'm not even asking that you genuinely sincerely give a shit... just -pretend- to be interested in me.

I know I seem like the girl who makes the decisions and has stuff figured for the most part, --which is true, I do. I have a master plan, ambition, and so on. But no one ever asks. I'm always asking. "Will you do this?", "Can we do this?" "Do you have time for this?" for me?"

This isn't about any one person either, this is evenly spread over -everyone-, except a couple of people. I miss being ... god, is there a word? I miss something that they haven't invented a word for; I miss intimacy and understanding, and interest, I miss talking and walking around and seeing and doing new things. I miss Dan, and I miss Sire, and I miss Anthony, and my husband, and Jessica and Kristen, and I miss the life I used to have... as opposed to the one I'm in now.

Maybe it's just the heat. I am mostly pleased with my current situation, despite the weirdness. Emotionless, clandestine, minimal intimacy; I can't complain.

I wish there were more hours in the day, more time to enjoy, to work, to learn, and I wish I could be at peace with my flaws, my innumerable eccentricities, and I wish they could be at peace with me. I wish someone would swim with me, and hold me in the water; I want to swim with dolphins and be dragged down down down into the deep water and never come up again. Learn to see in the dark, breathe underwater, and never ever cry because fish can't; how would you tell? I want to be surrounded by water and love all day, all night. And no talking ever; you can't talk underwater, and what would there be to talk about anyway?

"Hey, I just ate this eel," ..."Check out this big hole, dude," ... yeah, talking is not important to fish. I can forget how to read, and spend all my time re-arranging stones on the ocean floor, exploring sunken ships, hiding from sharks, and just snuggling down into the sand every night.

I'd miss music most of all, and conversations, --but honestly, how often do I have them?

Movies, books... If I didn't know any of those things existed, and could only just love the water, that would be best. Memory obliterated along with my capacity for abstract thought. There's a fly in here. Gross. Jeff Goldblum you are so going down.

"And I hope when you think of me years down the line... you can't find one good thing to say."